2014's Mire Update

Here I am, nearly 10 months later.

As much has changed, more remains the same.

In one of my two posts last year, I reflected on how I felt time slipped away, unnoticed, as I struggled to keep up with Life. In the other, I wrote about not tying self worth to accomplishments or perfection, as society sees it.

And yet, here I am. Still struggling. Feeling unaccomplished, unappreciated, unsuccessful & un-everything-else-a-mother-slash-woman-strives-to-be.

I have been accepted into one of the best nursing schools in the area. By the end of this summer, I will have begun what I am sure will be the hardest two years of my life as of yet. I am so excited, and yet terrified, of course. I have proven I can get good grades, as well as (sorta) balance school & Life (aka dinners, laundry, kids, dogs, basic personal hygiene). What I haven't proven yet is the result of throwing in Work. Money is tight, to say the least, and this boat won't float if I can't successfully work while fitting Life in with School.

It can be done. People do it. I can do it.

Says People.

My garden is haphazardly covered in black plastic. I can almost hear the ground crying out for plowage, plantage. I have no (half dead or otherwise) flowers in my house, yard or flower boxes. Wait, I lied..the dead remnants of last year's are still claiming a spot in 3 of the 4 deck boxes. The 4th box? My precious Bella ate those contents...

My camera has been dusted off, to be forgotten again, a few times in the last few months.

My desire to run has been acknowledged. Many times recently. Too bad admitting you'd really love to do something, proclaiming you really miss doing that thing, knowing that thing is good for you...well, that's not quite the same as *doing* that thing, now is it?

This blog...? Enough said.

Four things that fill my heart with joy lie unfulfilled, unfinished, unstarted. I seriously feel, in this moment, as if I have failed myself.

And I won't even get into the variety of ways I feel I fail those in my life, almost daily.

I suppose reading this melodramatic whinery, as an outsider, you'll wonder a few things.

Is she happy?
Is there any good in her life?

Yes. To both.

I am happy with the things (and people) I am happy with. I really couldn't ask for more then I have, unless it was unlimited amounts of money. I'd ask for that.

There is much good in my life (a newly remodeled bedroom, a loving man, smart & loving children, two slobbering dogs to name a few).

It's just that there are things that are very, very wrong as well. Mostly in my head, or perhaps my heart. I crave things...beautiful photography, my bare feet in the dirt, hearing "hey, good job!", the freedom I felt running through the woods, the smell of flowers, a written sentence that makes me (and perhaps someone else) laugh. And that, my dear reader, is where I have been stuck for a very long time. My own personal (self-imposed?) mire pit. I push, pull, claw & drag my way out once in awhile, and without even realizing it, slip back in deeper then before.

No inspirational pep-talk will close out this particular post. I'm not even going to pretend I have the answer this time. I simply don't. I'm actually beginning to think there *aren't* any answers.



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Enough. You are!

3 words I've never been able to say to me.

3 words I'm drilling into my daughter's brain every chance I get.

3 words the media & most social influences will never lovingly whisper in your ear.

You Are Enough.

And you know what?

You Are.

Honest.

Here I sit....sweatpants, a shirt riddled with dog drool & grease splatter from dinner prep, hair a mess, willfully ignoring (for today) a very intimidating pile of textbooks valued at $735. They are crisp, shiny new, awakening in me both fear & excitement. Come on..don't you remember getting your history/science/math book on the first day of school, and how great the cover felt under your fingertips? How much fun the paper bag covers were to make decorate with words and symbols of childhood? I guess that feeling never goes away, even when you're much too ancient for paper bags covering your books. Anyway, I'm sitting here, contemplating what I did/didn't do today, what I should/shouldn't do tomorrow, finding myself slipping into the "I'm not doing enough" space again. And that's a muddy, gross place, lemme tell ya. It's the same old, same old....I made dinner, but it wasn't as good as I wanted it to be. I folded 5 loads of laundry, but there's one basket still not put away. I swept, but didn't vacuum. I could have done better. And then the slippery slope becomes a  cascading river that carries you quickly over the edge, down into the pool of "I'm not enough". I'm not good-cook enough. I'm not maid enough. I'm not smiley & frolicy enough. I'm not skinny enough. I'm not funny enough. I'm not Mom enough. I'm not woman enough. I don't wear makeup enough. I don't dress my age enough. It's the Not Enough pool. Filled with quicksand, and piranhas. Sounds like a grand ole time, eh?

And then I got to thinking....wait a sec. Back up.

My daughter thinks she's fat. Why? Because she isn't rail thin like the media says she should be. She isn't as pretty (in her opinion) as the girls at school. She over obsesses about her hair, her clothes, her teeth, her everything. And still gets picked on. She "isn't enough", or so she's told.

 And what do I tell her? Wear what makes YOU happy. Do your hair YOUR way. Screw them if they don't like you, call you fat. Who are they to judge? You are enough. Just the way you are. Enough.

Wait...what?!?! why should I treat myself any differently?

My children aren't perfect, but (most days) they are kind, caring, smart & loving. I am Mom enough.

My house isn't perfect, but the people who live here have what they need, when they need it, how they need it, and no one ever has to drip dry after a shower. I'm maid enough.

I smile when I am happy. I frolic when I drink. I'll loose 35 lbs, someday. If I wasn't a decent cook, people around here would be skinny, and they aren't. I don't even LIKE a lot of makeup, hair gel or high heels. And I'm really, really not a pool person. So, I'm gonna go out on a limb (and ask anyone out there who needs to, to join me)....

In all our imperfect-ness, quirkiness, busy-ness, decide-to-play-today-instead-of-worry-ness. On the days when we never get out of our pj's. On the days when everything we touch breaks, falls, cracks or cries. On the days when our kids hate us, the dogs won't even snuggle, and it rains. In those moments when we feel accomplished, and the moments when we don't. When our hair is perfectly groomed, and especially when it looks like shit. In that moment when our child makes our heart skip, whether in fear or in pride. In every hug, every smile, every song of laughter, and yes.even the tears.

Just the way I am, the way you are. In every way imaginable...

I am enough. And so are YOU.
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It's about time

I always say blogging is good for the soul. My soul, anyway.

And, I say photography is good for the heart. My heart.

I also say that life is too short to not do what you love. What you *really* love.

I love blogging. I love photography. I love my children, my man, my dogs. (Yes, I now have two wonderfully boxer-ish boxers.) I love a clean house, a quiet Sunday morning with coffee & smiles, running, reading, music, gardening, flowers, and a plethora of other things. Thing is, I've recently discovered that life is too short to do everything you love. And the agony of choosing which is most important to do.right.now has crept into my heart as of late. So, here I am to blog about it.

I lost my job, gained a puppy, dabbled in some major couponing and began the pursuit of a new career, all in the short space of this past spring. After many discussions and non-decision making moments, I then dove head first into college. At 35. Terrifying, if I'm honest. I did a light first semester, only a few classes, and surprised myself with a successful completion of my first ever college experience. I'm now just days away from starting a full 13 credit hour fall semester, and awaiting responses from a few part time employment applications I've put it over the last few days. Which brings me to the point of this catch-up post. I have no time.

The fact that I'm sitting here, talking about having no time, while my unvaccumed floors, dusty entertainment center & never-ending piles of laundry surround me...writing instead of heeding their filthy, unkept calls? Well, it's ok, for this moment. I have a (extremely) rare few hours of only-one-in-the-house-is-me, and Pandora stopped playing seconds after I finished wiping down the kitchen backsplash. As I walked to the computer to verify I'm still listening, I was contemplating my money making options (aside from my amateur photography sales attempts), and for a brief second, wished I could write. Which brought me to memories of this blog, and to the chair in which I now sit. You see, I've long struggled with intermittent splurges of energy on things I love, only to loose ambition, or interest, or just find another random must-do to spend time on.  Photography, gaming, gardening, crafts, three (or was it four?) different blogs I've started (with a passion & a promise) then abandoned. And it seems that every time I leave one of these loves in the dust for another, a month or 8 go by before I realize I left it behind. And then I feel as if I epically failed. And I rediscover what I loved, and why.

I picked up my camera for the first time in months. The bird flew away. I set it back down. And spent hours posting images I'm not sure are worth anything for sale. I'm writing now, but can't guarantee this post won't be the only one posted in 2013. My garden is half planted, unweeded, unwatered, and still begrudgingly giving me a few squash & tomatoes here and there. It's making do without me. It would be better *with* me, but I'm at peace with a weed garden. Next year, I'll have a kick-ass garden that will put all my hopes & dreams for this year's to shame. Life goes on, most of the time.

Staring down a four month stretch of nothing but work (I hope), school, homework (for 5 of the 7 who live here), cooking & cleaning, I'm again terrified. I'm terrified I'll loose myself in the wake. Speaking of wake, I'm also a bit terrified there will be no time for sleep. I trust you'll believe me when I say there isn't enough coffee in the universe to make this girl non-monsterish when she is short on sleep. I'm not afraid of school. I know that I can pull off a insane (and unrecommended) course load, no problem. I know I will find a way to feed my family ever night, and keep the laundry washed, at least. I'm pretty sure I can find time to clean the bathroom, give a dog a bath & grocery shop once in awhile. I'll make sure there is kisses at bedtime (for those who still allow it), homework in the mornings after breakfast, and only one or 2 school snacks forgotten a week. I'm pretty sure I can juggle everything, or 98.4% of it, for a little while. Four months isn't that long, right? Right?!

It's all about time. Spending time, making time, finding time. And not loosing the important stuff along the way.

Que Pandora. Time to show those cobwebs & dust bunnies who's boss today. Pin It

And the award goes to...

Me?

I was nominated for a Liebster Blog Award! Don't know what that is? I didn't either, til Tina gave me one. Apparently the rules are as follows:

* You have to list 11 things about yourself.
* Answer the 11 questions sent to you by the person who nominated you.
* Choose UP TO 11 bloggers that have less than 200 followers to nominate to get their own award.
* Post 11 questions (in your blog post) for them to answer (on their own blog).
* Go to your nominees page and inform them of their award.
* You CAN NOT tag back.

So, here goes...

Eleven Random Things About Me

 1) Flip flops are my favorite foot adornment.

 2) I forgot to feed my boys breakfast one day last week.

 3) I believe God is real, Stephen King is amazing & coffee is non-negotiable.

 4) Blue is my favorite color. Purple is my least favorite.

 5) I hate my job. This makes me feel ungrateful, but it's true.

 6) I totally heart John Mayer

 7) I love silver & white gold. Hate gold colored gold. 

 8) I think making people smile is one of the best feelings in the world.

 9) I am slowly loosing my ability to multitask efficiently, or even partially effectively. (see #2)

10) I will die without having ever eaten escargot. I'm perfectly ok with that.

11) When I wash dishes, my legs itch. Are they screaming for hydration? 

On to Tina's questions for me:

1. Name something you can't go a day without doing.

Coffee. It's an addiction.
2. If you were given the keys to a time machine, where would you go and why?

I'd go back to the day my oldest was born, soak in everything about his precious little existence I possibly could, and tell myself about all the mistakes I'm going to make. I'd remind myself that patience is a virtue, forgiveness is important, and hindsight is (almost) always 20/20. Then, I'd grab my cellphone, an IPod & my camera, and hop backwards a thousand years, give or take a few. Hi, my name is Jenn. I'm from the future. Mind if I show you this cool gadget? What's that you say? Music coming from my hands? Voices of people hidden in strange devices that vibrate? I must be a witch? Nah..just a cool chick with some technology that might give you a heart attack..say cheese!
3. Do you prefer blue or black ink?

Blue. And even more important then the color of the ink, is the thickness of the pen. Can't be too think, or too thin. I'm a pen snob.
4. What's the last thing you regretted buying?

A Tim Horton's iced coffee. In fact, I asked my daughter to kindly remind me next time that when it comes to iced coffee, I'm always disappointed I didn't hold out for Dunkin' Donuts.
5. Who is your favorite cartoon character?

Dory. She is like me, only in a fish's body.
6. Would you break the law to save a loved one?

What am I saving them from? And will I go to jail or just get a fine? Important details! I'll go worst case scenario, and say yes, I will break a really really big law to save a loved one's life, limb or coffee.
7. What's #1 on your Bucket List?

Grand Canyon
8. Name the first song that comes to mind.

It Will Rain, Bruno Mars

9. If you could trade lives with anyone, who would it be?

No one. My life might not be great, but no one's is perfect. At least with mine, I have what I need, and the ones I love.
10. What's your favorite game show?

What the crap kinda question is that? LOL kidding!!! I haven't watched game shows in f-o-r-e-v-e-r! I guess I'd have to say Price is Right (old school with Bob Barker). Wheel of fortune was always interesting, and Jeopardy was too hard....There was that one with slime..that always looked like messy fun. 
11. Do you own more books than movies?

Sadly, no. I used to. I wish I still did. 

~~~~~~~
My Nominations:
*** FYI, I chose to use first names, not because I'm like creepy stalker-sh, but because I want to honor the writer of the blog, not the blog itself. Hope you gals don't mind! :) ***
Elli  - I follow her 365, but she has several blogs. I love her positive vibes!
Cindy - I found her while looking for organizational ideas, etc. She's got some great ideas!
Kim - a pretty sweet food blog, with a twist!
Shavon - This lady has a great sense of humor, and I love her posts! She's a new-to-me blog, but I'll be following her, for sure!
Mom to a peanut - hehe, I don't know her first name sorry! But her blog rocks! A little DIY, a little mom stuff, a little photography, etc..check her out!

Dear Nominees, here are your questions...
1 ) If you could change your name, what would you change it to?
2) Your happiest memory from before you were 10?
3) Do you like your job? Why or why not?
4) Name the first three things that pop into your head, that start with T
5) Favorite Book?
6) Where did you meet your best friend?
7) It's 2:34 PM. Where are you on a typical day, and what are you doing?
8) Do you use coupons?
9) What was the last thing you bought for yourself?
10) Coffee or Tea?
11) If you could tell your 16 yr old self one thing, what would be?

Just wanna send out a huge thank you to Tina @ Tina's Tid-Bits for thinking me worthy of the Liebster Blog Award! This was fun!

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On Being Pleasantly Surprised

Yesterday's post made me feel much better. Thank you for that. It also gave me a bit of a mental shove...

The older girls ... A1 (17), A2 (14) & K (12)... get home before I do. They get E (6) & M (5) off the bus. C (17) has a weird schedule right now that maybe I'll get into later. I usually get home around 5:30, and T (my honey) beats me by just a few minutes.

Yesterday, I had the privilege of leaving work early. I stopped by the grocery store (trip number 36 for the week, I'm sure of it)....fresh uncooked pizza for dinner it is. After grabbing a few other must-have's (bagels, eggs & womanly products if ya must know), I went home.

M & K melted my heart with this (mixed with laughter from A2 & E & a puppy's antics coming from the living room). It was her dishes day (today will be A2's turn), and I didn't even have to ask for them to be done. M hasn't yet learned it isn't "cool" to be a helping volunteer, and she allowed his "help".

Too bad half the dishes need to be rewashed because K rushes & is too preoccupied with her current "non-boyfriend" to see the crusted cheese or stubborn chili left-over specks on every dish she gives M to rinse....and he could care less either way.

With a now-clean kitchen, I am free to bake the pizza (after topping rearrangement), and head to the deck with my camera, a drink & TJ.

He loves my now dead herb "garden"....

I think I've made mention of our basement remodel...? In order to move in, and not feel as if we're sardines, we added 3 bedrooms, a soon-to-be family room, and a will-be-bathroom to the basement. Effectively, it doubled the house size, and the tax bill. We painted the bedrooms, in reds, pinks, greens, zebra stripes, and chalkboard paint....(I have pictures somewhere..are you surprised?) The rollers have been salvaged to the best of my ability for the  project's completion (some day other then today)...

Yes, we have a purple wooden deck swing. With a broken seat board. I'll strip & stain it, some other day.

Oh yes, my drink...

By this point, the smoke detectors are going off, reminding me that pizza is ready, and T is walking in the door. The rest of the evening dwindles away into homework, (MORE?) laundry, puppy, teen taxi-ing, and stories of The First Break-Up of 7th Grade. (because he was a jerk face Mom!) Phew...so glad you ditched him then ;)

Later in the evening, T asked why we weren't following the laundry plan we envisioned...the one where each child has a basket, and fills it with dirty laundry, then bringing it to me to be washed, dried & returned in all it's unfolded glory. Instead, there is a never ending mountain of needs-to-be-folded clothing, and need-to-be-matched socks & who's-are-these undies on the love seat. And it's like, really? Who knew this many people could possible wear enough clothes to fill a thrift store in 2 days? Sigh.

 (the laundry shot...dirty, begging to be washed, ignored for the moment)

To their credit, A1 & A2 have faithfully helped almost every night. Without the cami-identification abilities their teen eyes possess, I'd be lost in the avalanche of socks, yoga pants & undies. I'm still not sure how they do it...I mean one size small, black cami from Deb's looking strikingly similar to another Deb's brand black cami size small...to me anyway. Oh well, if they are happy about who's clothes pile gets which one, then so am I.

Oh, and back to my original thought...we *will* be going to the one basket per load plan...soon. And I won't have to match socks, ever again. #dream

This morning, I again took time to just capture the moments. After making 4 breakfasts, and three lunches, I drove C to school while A1 drove herself & A2, then TJ & I watched K head off into her day.

I quickly got dressed, made two more lunches, threw a pork roast into a crockpot with garlic & bbq sauce, and proceeded to enjoy the "quiet" of E & M.

This was actually a true quiet moment....atypical of their normal atomic bomb-like version of "shhhhh". I <3 Mario Kart sometimes.

TJ, while still pretty camera shy, was a bit more subdued for a few moments....

And we had no puppy accidents stepped in this morning.

We got the boys into their school clothes (without a fight! Yippee!), and onto the bus, and then TJ settled in for his alone time, while I took off to start my day in the real world.

Things are going semi-well in the land of blendedly blissful, for today......and that's all I can ask for.

I need to revisit the method with which I refer to the children...I feel a bit like I'm talking about robots or scientific specimens. I don't plan on making them aware of their existence in this blog-world. If anyone who's reading this has a teen daughter, they'll probably agree to do so would be potentially hazardous to my health. Perhaps this is why most of my photographic ventures are inanimate objects or animals who can't say no?

For now, please know that no matter what I call them here, teen girls can be a lot more helpful then I expected, and that, in this (bio/non) mom's opinion, is a pleasant surprise. In fact, many things about this whole blending thing have not gone the way I thought they would...and that is both good, and not. And a subject for another day.

Happy Hump Day!





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Sanity is over-rated

Two years, 6 months & 3 days ago, I met my soul mate. Last month, me & my four children moved into his home. We brought our cat. And then we went out & got a puppy last week. Three bedrooms in a full basement finishing project are 95% complete. A house owned by me is sitting, empty of humans yet half full of my worldly possessions, fate undetermined. We still have a family room & bathroom that need to be dry-walled, painted, etc. School just started, my work schedule has changed, I'm relearning how to be a mom. Talk about strange...being a mom for 17 years, and suddenly feeling as if you don't know *how* to be a mom. I'm also back to being a "wife". We aren't married, but once again I'm finding myself no longer being the only parent, the only one who needs work clothes washed, the only deciding factor in menu planning, or the only one who hates to pay bills. Did I mention the puppy?

I'm already questioning my sanity. I've been chasing the proverbial bone for over a year. I wanted it, so bad my mouth was drooling. I pushed & planned & worked HARD to catch the bone. Now it's sitting square between my jaws, and I'm ecstatic. But, I dunno what the hell to do with it. Gnaw on it? Bury it? Give it to the cat? Throw it in the air & let it hit me on the head?
And that's why I'm here....

"Don't do it. You'll be sorry."
"It's the hardest thing we've ever done."
"It was almost the end of our relationship."
"You're crazy. It won't work."
"Patience & grace. Lots of both. It's the only way."
"Love will not be enough to hold things together."
"If I did it all over again, I would run the other way, FAST."

These are things I've been told in response to my questions about blending families. I've read in forums dedicated to step mothers (evil & angelic alike), and the general consensus was always "my stepkids are the devil's spawn". I was overwhelmed at times with the level of resentment, anger & general "I hate my life" some of the women portrayed in their writings. It seemed so....wrong. And not the kind of person I wanted to be. Not the kind of experience I wanted to have. There had to be another way. There had to be successful blendings out there. There had to be moms who were blessed, and dare I say thankful, for their "bonus kids". And I was going to be one of those, if it killed me.

I suppose I should stop here, and apologize in advance if I've already offended someone, in my very first post. For this blog to be successful, for it to serve it's purpose to *me*, I'll have to be brutally honest in every syllable. I could tiptoe around the issues, and sugar coat the words, but what good would that do? If what I'm looking for is a way to stay sane, an avenue of escape & a quest for "answers to the age-old blending without murder or straitjacket questions", I'm going to have to throw politically correct out the window, and just type. So, let it be understood, I am not potentially offensive intentionally. I'm only me.. honest, and uncensored. Moving on...

It's been almost a month. One of the hardest months I've experienced in a long while.Emotionally, it's been on par with my divorcing days. I've had a moment or two where I've silently asked myself if I was doing the right thing. I've considered "going home", and realized this *is* home. I've felt pure joy, pride, anger, sadness, hope & everything in between. To say it's been a roller coaster would be slightly less dramatic then I want to convey here...it's been a wooden roller coaster, going 95.7 mph, with a hill that flips your stomach & makes ya barf on the guy behind you, right before sending you into a bumpy corkscrew that shouldn't even exist on a wood coaster. And your seat belt is broken, oh by the way. And when you get off, you feel sick, giddy & frothing at the mouth to do it again. Silly, silly, silly. But we've all been there, right?

We've had drama (ala 3 teen girls), a few kids who want to "go home", or "go to Mars", or go "anywhere but here". We've had heart to hearts, tears & a bit more yelling then we'd like. There have been major rules broken, a few tests of resolve & commitment & consequences. And it's only been a month. I now have a bit more sympathy for the women I judged as "evil, ungrateful, bitchy step-moms". I now understand they may have it worse then me. I now recognize they may have not had a venting venue, other then the postings that spewed their frustrations. I now see a glimpse of their reality.. I still think there is a better way, hope for my story to end differently.

This is just the beginning, rough as it is. I honestly think at this stage of the game, survival mixed with love & laughter is the goal. Sanity is over-rated, ice cream & rum are not.




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