2014's Mire Update

Here I am, nearly 10 months later.

As much has changed, more remains the same.

In one of my two posts last year, I reflected on how I felt time slipped away, unnoticed, as I struggled to keep up with Life. In the other, I wrote about not tying self worth to accomplishments or perfection, as society sees it.

And yet, here I am. Still struggling. Feeling unaccomplished, unappreciated, unsuccessful & un-everything-else-a-mother-slash-woman-strives-to-be.

I have been accepted into one of the best nursing schools in the area. By the end of this summer, I will have begun what I am sure will be the hardest two years of my life as of yet. I am so excited, and yet terrified, of course. I have proven I can get good grades, as well as (sorta) balance school & Life (aka dinners, laundry, kids, dogs, basic personal hygiene). What I haven't proven yet is the result of throwing in Work. Money is tight, to say the least, and this boat won't float if I can't successfully work while fitting Life in with School.

It can be done. People do it. I can do it.

Says People.

My garden is haphazardly covered in black plastic. I can almost hear the ground crying out for plowage, plantage. I have no (half dead or otherwise) flowers in my house, yard or flower boxes. Wait, I lied..the dead remnants of last year's are still claiming a spot in 3 of the 4 deck boxes. The 4th box? My precious Bella ate those contents...

My camera has been dusted off, to be forgotten again, a few times in the last few months.

My desire to run has been acknowledged. Many times recently. Too bad admitting you'd really love to do something, proclaiming you really miss doing that thing, knowing that thing is good for you...well, that's not quite the same as *doing* that thing, now is it?

This blog...? Enough said.

Four things that fill my heart with joy lie unfulfilled, unfinished, unstarted. I seriously feel, in this moment, as if I have failed myself.

And I won't even get into the variety of ways I feel I fail those in my life, almost daily.

I suppose reading this melodramatic whinery, as an outsider, you'll wonder a few things.

Is she happy?
Is there any good in her life?

Yes. To both.

I am happy with the things (and people) I am happy with. I really couldn't ask for more then I have, unless it was unlimited amounts of money. I'd ask for that.

There is much good in my life (a newly remodeled bedroom, a loving man, smart & loving children, two slobbering dogs to name a few).

It's just that there are things that are very, very wrong as well. Mostly in my head, or perhaps my heart. I crave things...beautiful photography, my bare feet in the dirt, hearing "hey, good job!", the freedom I felt running through the woods, the smell of flowers, a written sentence that makes me (and perhaps someone else) laugh. And that, my dear reader, is where I have been stuck for a very long time. My own personal (self-imposed?) mire pit. I push, pull, claw & drag my way out once in awhile, and without even realizing it, slip back in deeper then before.

No inspirational pep-talk will close out this particular post. I'm not even going to pretend I have the answer this time. I simply don't. I'm actually beginning to think there *aren't* any answers.



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It's about time

I always say blogging is good for the soul. My soul, anyway.

And, I say photography is good for the heart. My heart.

I also say that life is too short to not do what you love. What you *really* love.

I love blogging. I love photography. I love my children, my man, my dogs. (Yes, I now have two wonderfully boxer-ish boxers.) I love a clean house, a quiet Sunday morning with coffee & smiles, running, reading, music, gardening, flowers, and a plethora of other things. Thing is, I've recently discovered that life is too short to do everything you love. And the agony of choosing which is most important to do.right.now has crept into my heart as of late. So, here I am to blog about it.

I lost my job, gained a puppy, dabbled in some major couponing and began the pursuit of a new career, all in the short space of this past spring. After many discussions and non-decision making moments, I then dove head first into college. At 35. Terrifying, if I'm honest. I did a light first semester, only a few classes, and surprised myself with a successful completion of my first ever college experience. I'm now just days away from starting a full 13 credit hour fall semester, and awaiting responses from a few part time employment applications I've put it over the last few days. Which brings me to the point of this catch-up post. I have no time.

The fact that I'm sitting here, talking about having no time, while my unvaccumed floors, dusty entertainment center & never-ending piles of laundry surround me...writing instead of heeding their filthy, unkept calls? Well, it's ok, for this moment. I have a (extremely) rare few hours of only-one-in-the-house-is-me, and Pandora stopped playing seconds after I finished wiping down the kitchen backsplash. As I walked to the computer to verify I'm still listening, I was contemplating my money making options (aside from my amateur photography sales attempts), and for a brief second, wished I could write. Which brought me to memories of this blog, and to the chair in which I now sit. You see, I've long struggled with intermittent splurges of energy on things I love, only to loose ambition, or interest, or just find another random must-do to spend time on.  Photography, gaming, gardening, crafts, three (or was it four?) different blogs I've started (with a passion & a promise) then abandoned. And it seems that every time I leave one of these loves in the dust for another, a month or 8 go by before I realize I left it behind. And then I feel as if I epically failed. And I rediscover what I loved, and why.

I picked up my camera for the first time in months. The bird flew away. I set it back down. And spent hours posting images I'm not sure are worth anything for sale. I'm writing now, but can't guarantee this post won't be the only one posted in 2013. My garden is half planted, unweeded, unwatered, and still begrudgingly giving me a few squash & tomatoes here and there. It's making do without me. It would be better *with* me, but I'm at peace with a weed garden. Next year, I'll have a kick-ass garden that will put all my hopes & dreams for this year's to shame. Life goes on, most of the time.

Staring down a four month stretch of nothing but work (I hope), school, homework (for 5 of the 7 who live here), cooking & cleaning, I'm again terrified. I'm terrified I'll loose myself in the wake. Speaking of wake, I'm also a bit terrified there will be no time for sleep. I trust you'll believe me when I say there isn't enough coffee in the universe to make this girl non-monsterish when she is short on sleep. I'm not afraid of school. I know that I can pull off a insane (and unrecommended) course load, no problem. I know I will find a way to feed my family ever night, and keep the laundry washed, at least. I'm pretty sure I can find time to clean the bathroom, give a dog a bath & grocery shop once in awhile. I'll make sure there is kisses at bedtime (for those who still allow it), homework in the mornings after breakfast, and only one or 2 school snacks forgotten a week. I'm pretty sure I can juggle everything, or 98.4% of it, for a little while. Four months isn't that long, right? Right?!

It's all about time. Spending time, making time, finding time. And not loosing the important stuff along the way.

Que Pandora. Time to show those cobwebs & dust bunnies who's boss today. Pin It