Monday, June 16, 2014

2014's Mire Update

Here I am, nearly 10 months later.

As much has changed, more remains the same.

In one of my two posts last year, I reflected on how I felt time slipped away, unnoticed, as I struggled to keep up with Life. In the other, I wrote about not tying self worth to accomplishments or perfection, as society sees it.

And yet, here I am. Still struggling. Feeling unaccomplished, unappreciated, unsuccessful & un-everything-else-a-mother-slash-woman-strives-to-be.

I have been accepted into one of the best nursing schools in the area. By the end of this summer, I will have begun what I am sure will be the hardest two years of my life as of yet. I am so excited, and yet terrified, of course. I have proven I can get good grades, as well as (sorta) balance school & Life (aka dinners, laundry, kids, dogs, basic personal hygiene). What I haven't proven yet is the result of throwing in Work. Money is tight, to say the least, and this boat won't float if I can't successfully work while fitting Life in with School.

It can be done. People do it. I can do it.

Says People.

My garden is haphazardly covered in black plastic. I can almost hear the ground crying out for plowage, plantage. I have no (half dead or otherwise) flowers in my house, yard or flower boxes. Wait, I lied..the dead remnants of last year's are still claiming a spot in 3 of the 4 deck boxes. The 4th box? My precious Bella ate those contents...

My camera has been dusted off, to be forgotten again, a few times in the last few months.

My desire to run has been acknowledged. Many times recently. Too bad admitting you'd really love to do something, proclaiming you really miss doing that thing, knowing that thing is good for you...well, that's not quite the same as *doing* that thing, now is it?

This blog...? Enough said.

Four things that fill my heart with joy lie unfulfilled, unfinished, unstarted. I seriously feel, in this moment, as if I have failed myself.

And I won't even get into the variety of ways I feel I fail those in my life, almost daily.

I suppose reading this melodramatic whinery, as an outsider, you'll wonder a few things.

Is she happy?
Is there any good in her life?

Yes. To both.

I am happy with the things (and people) I am happy with. I really couldn't ask for more then I have, unless it was unlimited amounts of money. I'd ask for that.

There is much good in my life (a newly remodeled bedroom, a loving man, smart & loving children, two slobbering dogs to name a few).

It's just that there are things that are very, very wrong as well. Mostly in my head, or perhaps my heart. I crave things...beautiful photography, my bare feet in the dirt, hearing "hey, good job!", the freedom I felt running through the woods, the smell of flowers, a written sentence that makes me (and perhaps someone else) laugh. And that, my dear reader, is where I have been stuck for a very long time. My own personal (self-imposed?) mire pit. I push, pull, claw & drag my way out once in awhile, and without even realizing it, slip back in deeper then before.

No inspirational pep-talk will close out this particular post. I'm not even going to pretend I have the answer this time. I simply don't. I'm actually beginning to think there *aren't* any answers.

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  1. I could have written this post. Except I blame it on how I feel drained due to chemo and radiation, but what if its just me? What if I get to my "all's free and clear" diagnosis and I still am morbidly behind on bills, have no energy to run or clean my house and still am not pursuing my passions?

  2. ahh, sweetie... I think you have much better reasons to feel this way then I! I see your posts and am amazed at your positivity. I am willing to bet when you get that all clear, life will be immensely more cooperative for passion pursuit ;)